ILOVEMUSIC

I’m just lost

I can’t really explain what I want to say or what I want to do, but deep down, something tells me that my life isn’t going the way it is supposed to be. I’ve never had a goal in life before. My life was so full of trouble that I was losing my thoughts on why I am going through all these troubles for. I even question myself for why I am even living. Besides my family members, what are the things that I really love? What are the things that are dragging me in to my life giving me enthusiasm to live on? When I think about it, frankly I can’t think of anything. Truthfully, when I told everybody that I liked singing and music a lot I also felt a little bit guilty. Indeed did I have some uncertainty in my self if I was really loving music, but was having this thought that ‘maybe the only reason I like music is because it is one of the very few things that people have told me that I am talented in.’ I really do love music, but I am too much of a coward to sacrifice for music. I heard from people that when one likes something, there is not a reason. One finds one’s love without even thinking about it. Seems like that I was only seeking for the answer to things, but maybe what I really needed to seek for was the question to all answers I have. 

I feel guilt in everything that I do these days. I assure myself that I didn’t do anything wrong, and never I will do anything wrong. But, I do not know why. I can’t look in to people’s eyes. I try to cover myself up with a stupid laughter. I try to get over things quickly with laughters. Always SAME. 

I am like a little innocent child lost in the forest full of flowers and candies. The child does not know where to go, nor where he will be in the future. There are flowers and candies every where giving him hope, and pleasure. He will soon forget to even find a way out. He will be satisfied with his life in the forest and will die soon. No, actually will not die. His goal he may forget forever, but his life will go on. Like a Robot even. Lost one’s will to live but just lives. 

Flowers will be everywhere even after his death. Meaningless beautiful roses will soon cover his dead body and soon the boy will be forgotten. One’s identity the child has lost forever in this lost forest.

Recently, I have been thinking about the identities that I possess that differs me from others. Despite the physical matters, but such things like “reason of me living and having enthusiasm to keep living”. All men live on trying to reach their own dreams. However, these days I feel like the whole act of their hard working and repetitive pattern of studying defeats the initial purpose. In order to accomplish anything, the reality requires men to have gone through at least college education. As so many people try to get in to good colleges, they work so hard that they sometimes even forget why they are even doing all those hard work. WIthout even thinking about why they are working, people just keep working. Soon, people forget why they are living. I am very sure that most of people will hesitate to answer the question 

“Why are you living? What keeps you to work so hard?”

Sometimes I ask myself. ‘Why am I living? Why am I doing things that I am doing right now?’ It seems like that I don’t even know where I am going. I have been doing these only to follow the road of “majority”, also known as “NORMAL”. One is considered Ab-Normal when one goes against the flow of the “majority”. Just to be NORMAL I had to forget what my heart said. 

“Heart and the brain is only about 30cm far, but it takes a life time to get from your brain to your heart”, I heard this from somewhere. After working so hard, now I try to think about what my heart claims to do. However, I can’t think of a single reason why I was living to do. 

“What keeps me alive? Why am I keep living?” “Am I alive just because I am scared to die?”

Rimbaud

Nas

To me, there is no difference

About four years it has been I guess. About four years, I was forced in to the giant stream of water, called Hip-Hop. Frankly, it was not the shiny cars, or any “bling-blings” that has drawn me in to this road. It was the way people expressed their feelings so truthfully. It was completely different from what I ever listened from main-stream music back in Korea. MC’s would spit their rhymes expressing their feelings, not stressing too much about what other people would think about it. I liked the attitude of MC’s being so self-confident and being able to say things when they want to say things. I know that the whole “Hip-Hop” culture started from the “hoods” with African Americans. ‘Maybe it might seem a little bit off as an “asian” liking “Hip-Hop”.’ this is what I might have thought if I never met my savior, key to the light, “Hip-Hop”. It taught me how to live on strongly with my own strong will to live on. After so many people, even a family member, betraying me, my life was like a bird with a broken leg flying over the ocean. Did not know where I was going, where I would end, but was keep flying according to what others told me. Meeting Hip-Hop, what I saw was not just a person bragging about chicks and shiny cars, but was a person being proud of himself and being true to himself. When was the last time I have seen a person being “true” to oneself? Is the society, even structured well enough to let people be “true” to themselves?

Nas One Mic

I think there is something wrong with the Econ project. The econ project tells the students to create a documentary film using any programs students want. Before hand, the Econ class didn’t require students any film editing skills. It is quite unfair for students who have no basic knowledge about Film editing. For a guy like me, this project is rather more hurting than tests. I have no back ground experience in making such a serious film. There is no other way to view this project. This project is clearly easier for people who are interested in film editing. The projects should be more knowledge based. Without any background skills, there aren’t any ways for the student to receive an A. I don’t even know how to insert certain videos in to the “imovie” program. I am starting to think negatively about the “one on one” computer based school programs. The school seems to be creating projects to make students feel like students are using the computer, however, it doesn’t seem to be that effective at all. Film making experience is also valuable, but where else am I supposed to use this skill? At school? At work? During part time job???? In the military???? Teach it to my son??????? Is it going to feed me???????????????????????????????????????????????????? Where am I supposed to use this skill If I am clearly not interested in film editing? Show it off to a girl to impress them??????????????????? hmm??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

The world is always full of issues about peace,

People want peace and equality on Earth

People want peace and fresh environment in Earth

It is so sad

Earth will finally earn its peace when Human beings finally disappear from Earth. 

Will Human beings ever learn how to reserve their own home planet?

The question remains as a answerless words. 

Will people ever learn to admit things that they have done wrong?

Who gave humans the right to kill?

Full of guilt, humans are, the worst creation ever in history

Humans fire at will, but who is it to blame?

Why does the innocent have to fall and be blamed?

It is sad, what humans do,

is truly sad.

for the past few years, I have been loving music and was interacting with the field of music in my own way. I tried making music, singing music, and even doing things that I have never done before with other people who also love music. Now I seem like I am losing my passion. It is very obvious that I have to put more time in to school work but I seem to have lost my confidence in loving music. Sometimes I feel not confident about doing what I love to do. If i don’t give love for something that I like, who else will? It seems like I need someone to help me boost my passion. I need someone to pour some oil in my log of fire.

My father has been making me play golf for quite a long time. I was made to play golf with his friends and other people that he knew. Then I noticed that golf in Korea is somewhat different than golf in the states. In the states, normal fee for playing 18 holes is not so high. It is affordable for most of the people who like golf. However, in Korea the whole entire concept of “golf” is different since it is quite expensive. Of course many golf courses are expensive and well made in the states but comparatively there are often ones that are quite cheper than other courses. I soon understood the sport golf as something that people play to do business. When some people are planning to do a business, they form a bond of friendship by playing golf. I also learned that golf is something like computer games to adults. Adults talk about golf and if both of the adults play golf, they become more close to each other by talking about the same topic. 

I have already mentioned about Overclass from previous draft but I will write about Verbal Jint from Overclass.

Verbal Jint is a rapper that drove me in to underground music few years ago. The way he talked and wrote lyrics attracted me from nowhere. His lyrics talked about the truth and problems in the scene. I thought it was revolutionary that he was directly saying stuff to other MC’s that he thought was a problem in the HipHop scene and rapped it out. Verbal Jint was like a mental mentor to me. His songs drove me out from sadness in my days, and even made me happy when I was very tired and sick. “You suck but I don’t” was the basic message that most of the musicians had in the past. However, Verbal Jint was one of the few musicians that truly had the revolutionary rhymes and flow to say what he wants to say. His lyrics and skills made me want to respect him and think of him as a teacher. I want to respect this guy as one of the best musicians I have ever known in my life. 

I feel lonely 

I feel dark

I feel hatred

I feel unnecessary for help

never wanted any help and never planning to want any help

I thought about how I am feeling dark and helpless these days. Things doesn’t work out that much as I expect to. Many things try to disturb me from getting to the place of success. At this point, I enjoy how things try to make me feel dark and helpless. I enjoy how people hate me and stare at me. I enjoy it. Please keep hating me. Please hate me more. I can’t lose, because I am the best. I suck at everything but I am the best. Confidence and self-satisfaction makes me stronger. I feel superior over others. Hatred and sense of inferiority is the only power that keeps me alive. Many things have punched me right in the face before but I still stand here with a smile. I am not afraid of anything at this point. I enjoy everything and I will enjoy every single thing in my life till the last sound of my heart beat. Actually, till the last bits of my flesh left on my body, I will keep enjoying.

As I have already stated many times on my blog about how I think about death, I have many thoughts about death. What is dying? When can I say that I am dead? When my heart stops beating and the angels starts singing a farewell song in my head? I thought about real meaning of death. As an example, Lee Soon Shin a general who sacrificed his life blocking Korea from Japan still lives in Korean’s heart full with respect. His heart may have stopped beating but his name and soul is still alive in people’s hearts. I thought, real death is when everyone forgets about this one person. Whether the person is alive or not, when nobody thinks about the person, that person is not really alive. Interacting with another people and having the ability to think for oneself is one of the few things that seperates human beings from dolls. It gets a little sad after thinking about this. One is “really” dead when there is nobody to think for that person. This day will come to me someday, what shall I do…?